Sandy^in^a^bikini!

MUGGING like a MUGGER

2012-02-01T21:36:00.003+08:00

I spent the whole day MUGGING my online notes.

Mugging: Singapore colloquial term for intensive studying; a person who is studying intensively - derived from British colloquial term to mug up.

i physically want to VOMIT after so many hours staring at a page with tiny pewny malay words dancing around. the content sometimes enters the celebral cortex n digested into memory sometimes it justs slip away like a slippery frog.

s-t-r-e-s-s nia

i tot after university i would NEVER HAVE TO SIT FOR ANY exams but i was wrong. aiyoyo

so many months of relaxation after graduation has made my temper become very mild n calmer n gentler. now it all flares up again like kerosene poured into bondfire!

this is the one time i'm fierce like a lion > when i'm studying for some exam or watever important. screw with me or say something wrong in this sensitive time n u will DIE. muahahaha. madness also sets in.

the biggest irony will come if all the hours n effort i put into studying they ask STUPID UNRELATED QUESTIONS then i will launch a massive stink bomb missile and bomb the entire damn Jabatan Pendidikan department in Putrajaya!

i hate studying. and yet i'm so kiasu. watever exam or competition i join i want to be the best. like ALWAYS!

i will not disappoint myself, my family or my God.

(this has been my motto since secondary school)

p/s- today i talked to him, only for a short moment but it made me feel so much happier, so motivated to study without feeling an once of tiredness. like a child given candy. maybe just this once i will let myself be happy since its helping me!

and to end my post, i dedicate this song to all you lovebirds out there. i heard this song back in my uni days while i was studying for a major exam and it helped me sing along n took the stress away!

enjoy :)

Bees drink teh tarik.

2012-01-31T12:11:00.002+08:00

ITS TUESDAY AND HELLO DEAR READERS!

the best antidote to a sad heart is to receive personal msges from girlfrens who read previous blog posts and sent super sweet words of encouragement. of course there is always a cup of "happy juice" to kickstart my day more commonly known as

TEH TARIK!! i get high on caffeine!

would like to apologize for my terrible sad case post yesterday. paiseh ah.. dont know what was wrong with me. probably pms, lack of sleep and not enough noise! (the house is so quiet not used to it after cny so happening)

anyways lets start the day with a motivational song which i have been SINGING NON STOP since morning (poor allyson's ears working downstairs must be burning already! haha)

Dear fellow sisters, dont u know ur beautiful on the inside and out!! dont feel insecure!! ur smile may light up someone's life today so go out n strut ur stuff babygurls!

ok la, i'm off to study since yesterday i slept instead of studying for bladdy interview on the 9th febuary! wish me luck! :)

The past comes back to haunt.

2012-01-31T01:29:00.003+08:00

NOW EVERYTHING IS SCREWED UP.

having a REALLY bad pms session.

hormone levels are low and everything seems so depressing .

i feel so alone , miserable n sad.

i want to curl up n cry n wish somebody would hug me.

i have lost control of functions.

i want to be loved. irony is i cannot receive love anymore.

it all started when i went back to sban it was suppose to be happy n happening but dampened by the fact i ran into memory of 4 of my ex-es (2indirectly 2face to face)!

Bad embarrassing history i thought was dead buried with the past was mentioned RIGHT in my face. and i tot NOBODY KNEW except a few (but they obviously shared the news like their damn right to BCC CNN broadcast it)

after almost 10 years the story came up like repulsive vomit thrown into my face. all i did to forget that incident was now publicly mocking me in the face during that reunion. laughing at my fault. thinking i was the slut/ bitch i was in my foolish youth. i dont know why ppl's memory can be so good when it comes to evil bad things.

i am so ashamed of my past. i wanna take a magic eraser n UNDO all the mistakes i made in the past.

ESPECIALLY when it comes to bfs (now dont ask me how many already. MYOB).

I have had my heart played, broken n used but i still go back into the same circle of abuse n distrust.

I have made pretty bad choices in life n hurt many guys in the past with my actions n words.

I deeply apologize to all of you guys. all of u whom i have purposely hurt for my pleasure and pride, the ignorance of my youth :( one word of apology will never cure the scars i have left. i hang my head in shame n cry tears of remorse. to him who will never forgive me i understand.

and so karma has finally ran its marathon n CAUGHT me by the neck like a dog, shaken me for pleasure, watch me yelp in pain n tears. It is happily torturing me back for all my past sins (all the evil things, all the hurt i think back i shiver in fear at the hardness of my heart i cannot believe hw the same person could commit such unspeakable acts)

Recently i found out that the person i love has found new love i guess, or somebody else to sleep with. the more reason to HATE him rite? but the only person i hate is myself for not letting go. for allowing sadness creep into my heart n sit on the throne reigning as dictator of a ass king!

*AWARD FOR QUEEN OF DRAMA N SELF PITY GOES TO MISS SANDRA CHEAH*okay, take the award go down stage n fcking slap urself into reality.wth is wrong with you girl?! WAKE UP! he aint never gonna look at u with love in his eyes.Dont hover around hopes like a lost puppy! gosh u are pathetic when ur not on happy juice. Time n time again we must tell u, MOVE on. dont look back, cut all ties . stop acting dumb. accept the facts woi! how we despise it everytime u talk about Mr.X ! macam tape recorder spoilt n on repeat mode. Boring!!!!

okok, in my madness i have talked to myself n physically really slapped myself twice (one on the right the other on the left)

Its 1.28am and i think all the emo-ness has been cured thru writing. the more i write the more i express the BETTER I feel
I have to go study now for my fcking teaching interview. i have 999999999 pages of goddamn history n education values to memorize n regurgitate on interview next week. oh how i hate my life rite now.

to end this emo post i shall show u pictures of ex bf no ___ and his new cny beautiful baby (which makes me feel more jealous ! ppl got family d i dont even have a teaching job. sigh)

dear bloggers, super sandra is not like this all the time. stay with me. kick me when u do see me in real life. thankyouverymuch. (",)

the angry child

2012-01-29T22:12:00.004+08:00

today i saw a child during clowning

he was probably 10years the most and had 2 younger siblings.

he was the sulkiest and angriest little person i have ever met.

he had this PERMANENT frown which made him look so sad n old.

his brothers were so enthusiastic to take balloons all jumping around n waiting in line.

and he kept scolding them, he kept frowning.

then i understood why,

later on, his dad came along n very harshly reprimanded them in front of everybody " i hate balloons, dont take, dont be stupid n all sorts of evil words came out"

the older boy pursed his lips even tighter n folded his hands. he was getting scolded for his brothers enthusiasm! and i tot, wow this family is complicated, why so liddat wan?

later that night i recalled the incident n i felt very sad because a good 18 years ago i was that little boy.

i was a very angry, disappointed n frustrated little child.

It was very clear to me that my father favoured my brothers so much more than he loved me.
the first time i got slapped was when my brother dropped his pacifier n started crying. i felt cheated, i felt cut short of love n all the unfairness continued over the years. their fault n cries would be my burden, my fault my pain.
sometimes in the night i dreamed that my brothers would die a horrible death n there will be no more rivalry. i treated them very cruely and there was SO MUCH TENSION in the house. all the yelling n fighting went on daily till i was 18!- ask the old neighbours they will testify to my dragon fire ways in the past.
(yes i was so bitter inside that time)

i hated my brothers, i hated my father. i couldn't understand the negativism he had and all the anger he portrayed against me i held in n lashed it out at everybody else. If u hated sch with rules n regulations try living with the head principal ur entire life. studies and everything under scrutiny n pressure to perform. stress nia.

until today i dare not say my relationship with my dad is the best but i feel alot happier when we dont live under the same roof.

he is a good father no doubt and i DO LOVE HIM ok but in many ways there is so much hurt and anger i dont know how to get rid of. how to explain? i dont know. u may not understand if u have a good rational understanding father but we are all not the same. (mary anne might probably understand it all since she watched me grow up and was constantly coming to the house).

i'm not complaining n bitching but i want those who keep pestering me to go home NOW n live with my family to STOP IT.

i am not a terrible daughter. i have a better relationship status with my dad now from afar. i visit every 2 months. we talk n fight as usual n nowadays i give in tolerate so much more than previously.

in fact this is our best times ever since i left house 5 years ago to study n work in penang.

Distance actually works for our family. i think he is happier that way and so am i.

If u know both of us well enough u would agree. so stop the judgments and stop the accusations of not being filial.

stupidest girl in the world

2012-01-23T18:12:00.001+08:00

sometimes i think i'm the stupidest girl in the world full stop.

i know i promised never to speak of him again but i cannot tahan d!!

i have a guy (Buan) who loves me with all his heart n willing to give me anything n mind as well die to protect me but on the other hand i chose to hold on to the fragile silly crush of mine.

he (Mr.X) doesn't know how much i still care (OMG! why is it possible?!)

it hurts me, how hard until TODAY i try to ERASE him from my mind. i try so the damn hard ok.

i try not to talk to him, not to look at him but automatically i'm drawn to him like a magnet (and he is not like super handsome or super smart or rich) i must be stupid indeed.

i do so much n yet he never notices me or i think he loves someone else which pains me even more.

i have prayed for months to God if its NOT for me take it away!! TAKE IT AWAY PLEASE ! far far away! why allow this sadist mad longing n insanity which obviously has no happy ending.

I have prayed, cried, begged, gone on my knees prayed more n tried everything to keep my mind off. all fail. *tears*

its cny today and yesterday night (as ppl gambled n ate) i laid on my bed, i cried thinking how stupid i was ALL along. i cried at how stupid i was to be used, to deceive myself with hope, to allow myself to feel sad, to allow all this madness to control me! how i always fall for the wrong guy. how karma has hit me back in the face for hurting others in the past.

all i want is to STOP having any feeling or memory or any shit haunting my soul n body. it has turned into a nightmarish torture where i cannot continue loving others or opening my mind to other people. Its making me depressed. its not fair! I am 25 years old i should be able to control my emotions n decide what is good for me. yet?! this shouldnt be happening to me. i dont want to love him anymore why cant i press the STOP n ERASE button?

i fear the nights, i fear my own memories. i'm under the control of something i cannot understand. babisialbodoh aku.

Eat skittles puke rainbows!

2012-01-19T12:13:00.002+08:00

Guess who's going home today!
the usual joy and hyperactiveness begins!! WOHOO!!! FREE FOOD!!

how am i going back? by walking all the way back to Seremban of course ;)
i check my bags in then i start walking in my big red clown shoes!
to lose weight and for a greeener tomorrow! (now u CLAP HANDS for me lah!)

Goodbye to all the sad memories, past hurt, tears n depressing times (yuck thinking abt it makes me wanna puke)
I wish u well Mr.X but i wish i could forget to love u asap!
.i cannot put my life on pause for just 1 guy or mourn over 1 sad incident or 1 misunderstanding with a fren or 1 bad accident.

new year new resolutions. i'm aiming for higher things! no time for silly crushes n acting all childishly no more!

Bright n new exciting things are about to come
to move on and embrace CHANGE!
wannabe wholly independent n yet fully dependent on God n not seeking any human's approval or love or busy making everybody happy.

I do heart CNY cause it means tons of

-BAK KUA
-CRAPPY CNY SONGS
-MEETING UP WITH SUPER OLD CLASSMATES (admit it u guys are old!)
-LITTLE NOISY CHILDREN ALL RUNNING AROUND MY HOUSE for a week
-FREE FLOW OF FOOD N DRINKS
-NEW CLOTHING!! (shopping is now without guilt)
-SLEEP (yes big bed+aircon+happy heart is best combination to tido mati)

taken from doug's profile picca i find hillariously funny

-ANGPAO and sweet smell of money. hunting down all married couples! (yes aku memang mata duitan! $_$ comel kan?)

FORGET ALL THE SADNESS AND USHER IN ALL THE BLESSINGS N HAPPINESS!

LIFE IS LIKE A PACKET OF SKITTLES! RAINBOW COLOURED BURSTING WITH SUGARY GOODNESS!! GO SILLY WILLY THIS CHINESE NEW YEAR!

GONG XI FA CAI ANG PAO NA LAI;) from Creampuff + Sandy

a simple explanation to why God allows pain n suffering

2012-01-11T23:11:00.000+08:00

A man went to a barbershop to have his hair cut and his beard trimmed.
As the barber began to work, they began to have a good conversation.
They talked about so many things and various subjects.
When they eventually touched on the subject of God, the barber said: 'I don't believe that God exists.'

Why do you say that?' asked the customer. 'Well, you just have to go out in the street to realize that God doesn't exist.
Tell me, if God exists, would there be so many sick people? Would there be abandoned children?

If God existed, there would be neither suffering nor pain!
I can't imagine a loving God who would allow all of these things..'
The customer thought for a moment, but didn't respond because he didn't want to start an argument.
The barber finished his job and the customer left the shop.

Just after he left the barbershop, he saw a man in the street with long, stringy, dirty hair and an untrimmed beard.
He looked dirty and unkempt. The customer turned back and entered the barber shop again and he said to the barber:
'You know what? Barbers do not exist.'
'How can you say that?' asked the surprised barber.
'I am here, and I am a barber. And I just worked on you!'
'No!' the customer exclaimed. 'Barbers don't exist because if they did, there would be no people with dirty long hair and untrimmed beards, like that man outside.'

'Ah, but barbers DO exist! That's what happens when people do not come to me.'
'Exactly!' affirmed the customer. 'That's the point! God, too, DOES exist! That's what happens when people do not go to Him and don't look to Him for help.
That's why there's so much pain and suffering in the world.'

i really liked this one. makes much sense :) sharing for all dear readers to read!

Green Grasshoppers are crunchy

2012-01-11T13:02:00.002+08:00

Lately i've been bugged..

bugged by a million lil voices ...

million little voices from the mouths of kanasai busybodies...

these creepy critters have been bugging my ears n heart for months.

in the beginning i just kept quiet acted cool as they were all untrue.

but to go to the extend of spreading to 3rd degree friends (ppl i hardly know) about untruths i think it has to stop!

and i dont know why they just cant take care of their own problems n stop scrutinizing mine like using a magnifying glass to fry a tiny ant!

I'm single.

heard it? seen it? know what it means?!

its the rightful passport for doing whatever the heck i want, anytime i want WITHOUT explaining crap to nobody.

the bladdy moment i gain my independence n freedom n confidence, all these bugs come after me n start munching me down like parasites.

i dont know why u ppl give 2 fcuks whether i still go out with my ex or i go out with other guys.

jealousy because ur bitter,egoiestic n unwanted?!

There is no crime for going out with my own ex, going out to eat or shop - do u see a problem with that?

who da fcuk said i'm taking advantage of him or other guys?

arent we all adults capable of mature thoughts n mature actions. he n i are clear of the line between us.

what i do is of my own account. worry about ur own sins than point fingers like i'm a freakshow adulteress!

am i selling my body for material things? am i doing crack drugs going high everynite? NO RITE?!! my i can hell date a chimpanzee n kiss frogs and still it wont be ur business.

5 things that break my heart:

1. Having someone close dying and being helpless to do anything at all.

2. Animal abuse

3. Being misunderstood n gossiped about with no valid reason.

4. Lies lies lies.( white lie is still a lie)

5. Unrequited love. (means only from one side, no response)

My policy is to never lie. What more spread shit gossips that are untrue.

U can break me down but i will rise higher than ur rock bottom idiocrisy.
My mother once said ppl who have low self confidence coupled with egoistic bloated heads are the ones to put others down so they can look all high and mighty up there..sad case nia.

Wait and watch how karma will come n tsunami hit u with ur own evil motives. padan muka.

I exchanged my fragile heart from a glass one into a plastic one the moment i gained my freedom.

hence forward i will swear not be so emotionally affected all the time. EAT MY DUST u BUGS!

K TOWN CLAN (party animal)

2012-01-09T15:47:00.000+08:00

OOO lalalala.
have u heard this song by K town clan? u havent? *gasps n collapse*

i'm so into this song rite now i can bounce dance in my car to the song!
YOYOYO!! long live hip hop!
++ plus point: sung by our local group! support lah!!

Party People,

Yeah, Its the Fam once again and we doing the music like the K-town Clan,

We got that moves, drinks, swagger, walk, pockets full of all sorts,
If partyin too hard is a crime, Im guilty, Plz take me to court,

Build Up

You lookin very pretty, I think i had too many,
I cant control my body, music make me goin crazy,
I think they lookin at me but baby i dont care,
Im a party animal and i dont give a give a...

Chorus.
Its a crazy party we gon dance all night,
and everybody dancing to the morning light,
All night gettin wild x3
Like a Party Animal

1st Verse

Whose that? ( Whose that? ) We're back, ( We're back ),
K-town on a roll, Step Back, ( Step Back )
Everybody wanna know, Everybody wanna show,
Their he goes Big Bo on a roll,
But ladies wait here come sumore,
Step in line and getcha o,
Shots on the go, two steppin on the floor,
Whatchu waiting for girl dip it low low low,

2nd Verse

I got this shit on lock and you know i cant stop,
When i step into the club oh yes i rock and i roll,
Now im outta control, came to party and im in the zone,
1 many girl, 2 many girl, 3 many girl, wanna rock my world,
Jamrock dont need no stock i'm just looking for that one special girl.

Build Up

Chorus

3rd Verse

Can you see my fingers now, up in the sky, high,
Ma! wassup, cmon, are you ready to fly?
Aint nobody do it like like you work it,
Yes i want it, can you feel it?
Everybody, lets go crazy,
You know my style, whatchu sippin on?

4th Verse

His glass is almost empty, could you please fill him up?
You sure he wants another? He cant event stand up...
Man why you trippin? im just chillin ok...
You know how we do? Gonna go all the way...

Build Up

Chorus

Bridge

Dancing on the speakers actin rowdy from a 6 pack,
Rock a lady make her go Gaga over our mic stand,

ARCH ENEMY M

2012-01-08T00:12:00.006+08:00

ARCH ENEMY "M"

i have had ENOUGH of u, ur family and ur combined fcking nonsense.

years n years i have been patient n endured all ur crap.

selfish selfish bugging asshole.

i want to kill u rite now! i have never been so infuriated with another being except when it comes to ur kind!

A bane, a sampah masyarakat to all of society.

ur a whore, a nightmare day n night!

the sight of u makes me overwhelmed with fear n anger!

i hate u to the core! hate hate hate..in fact hate is such a soft word, i DESPISE U!

worst than how much i hate durians n ego-istic guys..

ARGHHH!!! how my blood boils to overdrive!!@#$^*&#!!

ur presence bugs n irritates me to the point of losing my mind!

the thought of u makes me nauseated with anger n disgust! YUCK *gags vomit!*

ur presence haunts me day n nite. u make me a victim n take advantage of my sorry condition.

u make me miserable, u make me sick to the core! u make us ALL SICK n disgusted in fact.

oh spiteful disgusting lil creature! nobody could love u..not even mad scientists.

SICKENING!! REVOLTING!! REPULSIVE!!

did i say it already : I HATE U!!

as i cannot see ur purpose of living,

u have no contribution in my life or the lives of others.

i have never said this to another being but i CURSE U TO DIE DIE A horrible death

i only can wish death for u cause that is what u deserve...

oh wont u just die u bladdy hoard of mosquitos!

NAH!! DIY killer sure mampus one (should buy one of this put next to my bed)

the end of my hate post about the pest called mosquito. i bet u feel the same too rite?

New year new hair!

2012-01-06T15:03:00.004+08:00

ALOHa dear readers

in thai we would say: Sawadee pi mai! (happy new year!)

Creampuff was very busy sorry for the belated wish n late post! Khor tot kha! (sorry!)

new year fireworks at Strait Quay! my camera cheap one cant capture moving objects ..sweat

2/1/2012 - ORIGINAL red wavy hair before going to saloon:

3/1/2011- Off to the saloon to straighten hair. aiyo little did i know my hair would burn, go frizzy n turn brown! gone all my red hair :( not gracy's fault, my hair was already so abused beforehand. ehehe

i'm going to go bald very soon! look at the massive hair drop!

see how brown it is! so dark!

in the sunlight!

Oh the new year has made me a happier person!

guess what i put on 5 kilos in 1 month wei..beat that!

i have to suck in to wear my jeans. oh bother! no need getting too upset. i love food too much anyways.

Wanna see my new year goals n resolutions?

they are very reasonable n achievable i think..(anybody with spare cash can pass to me so i can go overseas see maryanne! haha)

sorry again for the horrendous handwriting. i wrote it against the wall instead of the table. silly me

Tell u all a lil secret, my obsession with mr.X is under control. i talk to myself very often n i tell myself to live life independent away from the hopes of loving or wanting him! it works la!

Too many things on my mind for now. Singlehood rocks wei!!

Going home for 1 week was really refreshing n charged my HAPPY JUICE 100%! >-<

see my maternal side of family!

To end this blog n go back to work at 5pm (queensbay riding unicycle)
i'll shamelessly show u ciao photos of me myself n i in my NEW DRESSES for cny! wohoo!
~~(excuse the no make up face n flabs on my arms n tummy. its my happy tires! haha)~~

HAVE A WONDERFUL FRYYYY DAY people. FRY FRY!! GORENG GORENG!

my watch has polka dots

2011-12-28T12:44:00.003+08:00

For the longest of time i've been Pinocchio being pulled by the strings of my heart. i think i still am. sigh kan?

today i'm perfectly happy=)
i talked to him recently, i went to gym, i love my job, i have awesome friends, i meet new ppl everyday, learn n eat new things.

n for once i feel everything is perfect for now.

i dont need a bf to make me feel whole n beautiful. life itself is beautiful already..

i'm easily contented . i don't a big show, much money or time to make me laugh .

i can auto laugh at the simplest n smallest of things..and i remember everything good/nice anybody does to me. the bad memories i auto delete very fast. (my RAM very small only got space for nice things)

n i wish it stays this way....
YES i admit i'm afraid of change, of growing up. i'm afraid when the new year comes i have to go teaching n if i dont get penang island i would be very devastated (not because of him but because i love this island so much!)

for now. i will smile. my heart is light n fluffy. the bad depression times have passed i guess. thank u dear readers for sticking thru the shitty times. God will help me on the next path. I will help myself too! ;)

lastly, a song filled with spirit n motivation to BOOST UR DAY!! (its on repeat mode on my lappie)

All i want for Christmas is...

2011-12-27T00:43:00.004+08:00

HELLO DEAR READERS!!

Sorry this post is 1 day late! was so busy clowning!

MERRY BLESSED CHRISTMAS OH!!
i've been hearing Christmas carols repeatedly like 1million times i can sing em all without lyrics already. it becomes quite scary after some time..

well, i've been working so often when i'm out of costume i still talk to kids n simply say hello! must be going mad! haha!

my wrist is not getting better thanks to twisting balloons, playing games n performing magic ! been painful for 3 weeks already. been wearing my ugly wristband n putting cream but nothing works.

Its ok, just for December as its the holiday season n all those in hotel n entertaining line work their asses off! Not many can give up their holls just to make others comfortable n happy. and i salute each n everyone of them *hats off!*

The song sings it all! all i want for Christmas is :

1.to grow up into a WISER person with more common sense, better decision making n still retain all goodness of heart.

2 find somebody worthy to love and love me back (this one need to pray harder, eversince i was in primary been praying for future soulmate. maybe my prayer got delayed in the mail!)

3. For my family (mom dad stevie sammy) to be safe, healthy n blessed richly by God above.

This is my 5th year of Christmas away from home.
how does it feel? it still feels ok suprisingly. i'm surrounded by my girls and they make ur day shine brighter than the sun! Christmas without family n free food n parties is still OK (to all those studying abroad will un) because CHRIST LIVES IN OUR HEARTS! =)

Ok, enough with the pictures.
but friends, food and laughter does make the best happiest cocktail ever!
i'm so tired now my brains are going to explode. tomorrow a whole day of clowning in Kedah!
so good9 loves ;)

Fon tok thai song..

2011-12-27T00:25:00.001+08:00

This is one song i wanna sing to him..
my heart aches at this stupid thing called infactuation and my brain is exhausted of ideas how to DELETE this person from my entire system.

HOW and WHY can i ever love somebody so much?
stupidity? confusion? obssession or plain desperation? i justdont know. i'm so tired of fighting the feeling i let it be .. this song makes me feel better. at least there is somebody who understands also.

wun nee fon dtok lai long tee naa dtaang
Today it rained and it flowed down the window.

ter kit teung chun baang mai nor ter
I wonder if you think about me at all.
meua wun jun tee laew song rao yung dai jer ter song yim maa
Last Monday, the two of us met. And you smiled at me.
nung yoo kon dee-o lee-o mong tee naa dtaang
Sitting alone, I turned to look out the windows.
haak mee ter kaang kaang gor kong ja sook jai
If I had you here with me, I'd be so happy.
ter kong mai roo waa chun eng yung mai mee krai haak ben ter gor kong kao tee
Of course you don't know that I don't have anybody now. If it was you, that would be so great.
ter art ja mee krai kon nun tee saen dee suan chun kon nee gor kong ja sao jai
You might have someone who's just wonderful. And this makes me feel sad all over.
ter art ja mee faen laew gor ben dai gor yung song sai yung yaak ja roo
Or it's possible that you already have a boyfriend. I am not certain about this...I still want to know.
wung kae piang ter mee jai hai suk noi
I only hope that you're curious as well
fao dtae ror koi piang ter bork ruk maa
I only hope that you still have some concern for me.
sook jai ying nuk tee chun dai piang kae mong dtaa gup ter gor sook soot hua jai
I'd be extremely happy. If I could just look into your eyes. I'd be the happiest man.
(Interlude)
ter art ja mee krai kon nun tee saen dee suan chun kon nee gor kong ja sao jai
You might have someone who's just wonderful. And this makes me feel sad all over.

ter art ja mee faen laew gor ben dai gor yung song sai yung yaak ja roo
Or it's possible that you already have a boyfriend. I am not certain about this...I still want to know.
wung kae piang ter mee jai hai suk noi
I only hope that you're curious as well
fao dtae ror koi piang ter bork ruk maa
I only hope that you still have some concern for me.
sook jai ying nuk tee chun dai piang kae mong dtaa gup ter gor sook soot hua jai
I'd be extremely happy. If I could just look into your eyes. I'd be the happiest man.
gor sook soot hua jai
I'd be the happiest man.

Clown Creampuff acts in mini tadika musical! (video)

2011-12-23T22:56:00.003+08:00

HI DEAR READERS!!

do you guys remember Cute Creampuff the one and only?

need sometime to refresh ur memory?

she's super loud, red in colour, funny, sarcastic, multilingual and super duper hyper.

Oh ya did i mention she's a clown too. hard to miss.

pink panther on a colourful motorbike. cool leh?

Cute leh my angry bird. small compact!

Nah 3 more syiok sendiri photos to remind u of my awesome cuteness the unbeatable n the undefeated! hahahaha

Today Creampuff would like u to laugh along to this very very short video clip taken from a playschool for toddlers (Christmas party)

psss- (the prince in shinning armour is so damn handsome ok, chinese mix angmoh. he kissed me after his lunchtime when he said goodbye. aww he's gonna be a heartbreaker in the future)

see my Ashton! handsome leh?

Video is up, Here we go!!

If u like what u see tell Creampuff by leaving a cute short comment.

Creampuff and Sandy wishes all dear readers a Blessed Christmas ahead! (CHRISTmas with Christ in it not Xmas okok ;)
hohoho!! :D

multifocal multicoloured

2011-12-21T18:47:00.005+08:00

Hi dear readers.

Yesterday out of sudden randomness this random bunch of ppl i call frens decided to hang out n eat lunch at padang kota lama (the SOTONG MEE , WESTERN FOOD and COCONUT shake is to die for)

I always envisioned 1Malaysia to look more realistic u know. not 3 funny lil stick children holding malaysian flag faking a plastic smile saying : kami anak malaysia". oh YAY!

how can u be truly malaysian when the stereotype of chinese girl/boy in these slogans have ridiculously sepet (slid) eyes wearing some ridiculous cheongsam or wong fei hong clothing for guys (which no rational minded chinese will wear on a everyday basis ) and the malays n indians in the same manner..the angmoh(orang putih) who view the banner will be thinking we never wear modern clothing except traditional grab. (i'm not racist but hello ini sudah modern era ok) Nowadays ppl all campur aduk they all pretty with all the good genes mixed together like rojak ok.

The correct modern day look should be more like this lah i tell u:

no actors were hired n make up-ed for the advertising above.

Real people involved : Izzul, Sandra, Nurul, Gary.
race: ? no race lah ...horse race?
Feelings : total comfort, no pretends and pure joy =)

McD Calender girls!

2011-12-20T14:35:00.000+08:00

HI DEAR READERS!!

how r u guys?

Its 5 days to Christmas can u believe it?

and my mood is up up UP!! =)

Here r some funny pics to cheer u UP as well!

(no offense to fat people or mcD as i love them both, just for laughs!)

CHEERS TO FRENCH FRIES N COKE! best inventions ever i say! =)

cherios mate!

a sharp fragment of memory

2011-12-17T08:41:00.001+08:00

Today its 17 of december.

How fast time flies right?

2years ago we parted with tears n anguish in my heart.

These 2 years since u were gone

so much has happened. so much could have happened.

not many know u, not many cared.
you would have grown into a beautiful person with the brightest future ever if time was not so cruel.

one thing is for sure

i miss u and think of u very often.

I wish i could go back and instead given u my time, my love, more of me.

but i was selfish.
i feel guilty i really do. i hope u will forgive me.

until u were gone i realized it was over.
Whatever bad past is left in the past.
the living must continue living after the grieving period.

i miss u, i really do

May u rest in peace in the loving arms of God

until we meet again in heaven my loved one. ;(

honey on lips =)

2011-12-14T13:11:00.005+08:00

Hi dear readers,

You have no idea how hard it is to be a woman.

we are creatures ruled by emotion and feelings.

Feelings overpower the rational of the brain.

that is just how God created us.

everything that touches the heart or soul we feel it with double impact.

we react in ways men think its childish, silly, overdoing it.

forgiving, loving, getting angry or jealous is going to be intensified by the 100X compared to what a man feels.

A man can never fully understand the way a woman thinks and acts because he can never use his emotional side to see the world 100%. and no woman can blame him because he is created in the opposite way which is to think with his logical side n make decisions clearly separating the fact n feeling.

I use think we were of equal creatures but even in the bible it says we are not. that does not make women the weaker species but just different. That is why God created man n woman > to complete each other <3

Today i spoke to Mr.X n i suddenly felt all my emotions empowering me! ( i forgot all my azam to delete him because i get so easily softhearted ) but i wont get too upset over it because i finally understand how the womanly heart works. I tell myself its not wrong to feel this way because its beyond my control. dont need to be so hard on myself, i still have a brain to differentiate bad n good. Take things slowly n time will mould me into a more composed person n one day i can talk to him without any uneasiness n probably laugh at it years ahead ;)

All my dear sister n jimuiz out there. i hope u understand how beautiful it is to be a woman and to never blame yourself for being made that way. There is nothing wrong in getting sad suddenly n happy suddenly. Its not total madness. Its just how we are!
one fine day u will a man who is mature enough to not fight against u, able to accept the unique difference between u both and empower u to be a stronger, wiser, motivated n better woman that what u once were. and that would be a man worthy of your love ;)

one little yellow banana

2011-12-13T00:32:00.004+08:00

Hi dear readers!

I have given it much thought.

I am SICK to the core of people telling me "sandra do this, sandra do that, sandra why u so no brain wan"

I say screw it.

Before i lost Mun hork 4 years back, i was the bitchiest bitch with a super sharp tongue with no concerns of who loved or hated me. after the breakup it affected me greatly as it was my pride n bitchiness that stood in the way of me communicating with people (including my father) so i forced myself to swallow a great slice of humbleness and became more tolerant, more forgiving, more generous n nicer to EVERYBODY that came in my life.

Look at what kindness has brought me to?

a point where I've lost my independent tots, being easily bullied n totally having no clue how to respond to difficult situations. if its hard i cry. like an idiot. i complain like an idiot. nothing is done all just wailing n sighing.

I used to be so naive to think money could buy me happiness, security. that being in a relationship with the right guy would make my life complete. getting away from my family would mean freedom for me. but i was wrong.

now i realise all i want to have when i grow up is H-a-p-p-y. TO BE FREE FROM REGRETS n live a fufilling life. it not need be rich, it need not be with prince perfect charming n it need not mean disconnecting myself from my problems n family.

As of today, TALK LAH all u want to talk. i'm tired of taking care of other ppl's feelings ALL THE TIME n forgetting myself. talk until the cows come home.I will free myself from all u negative people n negative tots.

i will do what i want n for now i'm so damn sure i want to live in Penang, i want to continue clowning cause it makes my life fulfilling, I want to just be in control of my feelings thus the obsession n depreesion over Mr.X will fade away, i want to spend quality time with my family n frens n forget about BGR. i dont want to depend on anybody anymore for financial support, i want to quickly get a posting be a damn good teacher n i want to go back to church n reconnect with God once again.

It u think pretty girls are all just face and empty inside?

we will show u we have intelligence with grounded common sense, confidence, poise n character to go along with it.

Watch me rise over this shitty hole of depression madness.

Wood stuffed into teddy bears.

2011-12-08T21:12:00.004+08:00

hi dear readers

Today i just felt like blogging twice.

in the past post i rambled about what he said, she said n i tot. and i was very down. everything seemed to be quite meaningless after some time.

now i wanna ramble about how in just 24 hours 4 different people have said the same thing" U DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT U WANT in love, career n life!" HOW LONG DO U WANT TO CONTINUE LIKE THIS?! (one of the people being my own mom) is this a sign of God showing how terribly weak, feeble n dependent i am?

To add salt to injury a whole bunch of ppl have been telling me how i'm a manipulative bitch by giving my ex n other guys false hope..making them victims..bla bla..

OMG! i never force ppl to come to my house n take me out or give me nice things. i just dont know how to say NO, GO AWAY, I CANT RECEIVE KINDNESS? its just not me. but i'm no money minded manipulative bitch that uses guys for money n dumps them.

if that was the case i could have switched to a playgirl in the 1st year of uni no need any bf in my life, why not just scandal around, laugh, flirt n sleep around like other ppl are doing in exchange for material things?! Every other pretty girl has the power to do so but i choose not to follow suit.

u have no idea how much it hurts when people repeatedly say the same thing harshly in my face.

have i been so foolish all this while?WHY i'm so easily effected by what ppl say, by what other ppl think? WHY AM I like lalang without foundation always wanting to take care of other ppl's feelings n all.

i dont know how to be cruel! i don't know how to filter between good n bad, i trust everybody and have NO independent thoughts.

i use to laugh at bimbos for having all beauty n no brain. my god, its now my turn to get laughed at for being indecisive naive n ambitious-less perhaps? I think it has alot to do with me not having a stable job. everybody looks down upon me like some sampah masyarakat n keeps pestering me to find a stable job but THE FCKING GOV aint giving no teaching posts u know n i dont want to do sales or business related things. (thinking of teaching tuition next year)

What mum said about going home n leaving penang forever keeps bugging my head n heart i dont know why. i WANT to STAY but i need a reason to stay on.

This morning i also realized something i never did before. I'm actually tired of so much free time, so much fooling around (having holidays on weekdays, eating, shopping, lepaking, clowning, clubbing). I need a stronger purpose to wake up to!

I feel God has allowed me to play to my hearts content for the longest of time. Why am i still complaining of not enough this and that? i have the luxury of love, no commitment issues, companionship of frens, free time to spend, money to entertain n enjoy, tasted the best of best food and gone places i wanted to go.Things that adults of my age would envy n die for!

I want to keep my promise to God ( i made in form6) n go into gov sch to teach. Eventho teaching might sound boring to my character but at least i wanna give it a try for 1 year or 2 . Students these days NEED more Christian teachers, teachers that care for their feelings, listen without judgement, allow a little fun n alot of love not boring school book exams oriented robots!!

I, Sandra Cheah have NO RIGHT to even think about love n relationships until i have known how to love myself n understand what i truly want in life. I dont want to be a lalang!!

Hairdryer sockets.

2011-12-08T13:11:00.003+08:00

Hi dear readers.

1. I spoke to him yesterday (miracle he had time to listen to me) and he said something that made me think the entire night through.

Is this clowning thing what i want in life? Why not try another job with better prospects? why waste my life drifting like this being unhappy ?Why not give my ex bf a second chance, ask myself how much i still love him to be tolerant..Why be so kind to other people? (he meant it in a nice way for my good) he shared many other life experience of his own that triggered my head to keep on thinking of the future. to not be sitting in my comfort bubble n rot there.

2. I spoke to Mom this morning n she said "if everything in penang is making u unhappy. pack ur bags n come home. leave the past there n start new life in Sban". Clowning n shopping n eating is temporary happiness thats why u go back into depression at night cause these are worldly things. think about eternal life n Godly things that last thru moth n stand the trials of time. after her sharing so many other things on life partner choices n the stupid choices i'm taking now (the fun life) in the end the only person i hurt is myself. and i almost cried on the phone being torn between staying n leaving.

3. I spoke to myself n God on what exactly i want in my life. i don't have an answer. all the years of education, work n thinking i know it all i actually know nothing. and it made me feel so small n stupid. The only reason i have not left penang is because of the lure of the city life (entertainment, convenience, food) and Mr.X. Friends have told me that only i would stop being so obsessed over him my life would be happier.

but this obsession has made me grow up, learn to manage my emotions better so much in such a short time. a blessing in disguise i guess. a painful lesson.

His words ring in my head-"all my life i've been striving to make others happy. what about my own happiness?"

So time will tell what will happen next...I'm wishing for a Cmas miracle. but if i leave penang abruptly u guys would know the reason why...

Charice- Louder! ♫♫

2011-12-05T14:48:00.001+08:00

HI DEAR READERS!!!

how u feeling today? beat the monday blues with tons of teh tarik n go all high like me ;)
its my happy juice! beats alcohol anyday! wakakakaka...

Listen to this song!
Its perfect for moving on, perfect for mood booster!
SING ALOUD n LET UR HEART SPEAKER LOUDER THAN UR HEAD!

Louder, louder, louder I’m watching now on my window
And the rain is pouring down.
When you left, I was so low
But I’m not gonna drown!
I don’t need no shoulder, oh
I’m gonna be a soldier, oh
I just wanna feel something I don’t understand!

Chorus:
I’m just gonna run right through the rain,I’m just gonna dance right through the way,
I just wanna feel that rhythm, feel that drum,
Let my heart beat louder, let my heart speak louder
Louder than my head, head, head, head,
My heart beat louder than my head, head, head!
Heart speak louder, I wanna feel that rhythm,
Fell that drum, let my heart beat louder, let my heart speak louder
Louder than my head!

..all the thinking, of how to get you back!
I’m checking now for the weekend,
I ain’t going back! I don’t need no shoulder, no,
I’m gonna be a soldier, no!
I just wanna feel something I don’t understand!

Chorus:
I’m just gonna run right through the rain,
I’m just gonna dance right through the way,
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
I just wanna feel that rhythm, feel that drum,
Let my heart beat louder, let my heart speak louder
Louder than my head, head, head, head,
My heart beat louder than my head, head, head!
Heart speak louder, I wanna feel that rhythm,
Fell that drum, let my heart beat louder, let my heart speak louder
Louder than my head!

Oh, letting go, yeah I feel so good, so right!
Oh, oh no, is there that I let my heart beat,
Heart speed better, then my…

Chorus:
I’m just gonna run right through the rain,
I’m just gonna dance right through the way,
I just wanna feel that rhythm, feel that drum,
Let my heart beat louder, let my heart speak louder
Louder than my head, head, head, head,
My heart beat louder than my head, head, head!
Heart speak louder, I wanna feel that rhythm,
Fell that drum, let my heart beat louder, let my heart speak louder
Louder than my head!

STEREOTYPING IS BAD!

2011-12-02T01:33:00.001+08:00

HI dear readers!!

today i'm here to talk about stereotyping- branding somebody something due to common generalization/thinking. (like all chinese are gamblers, all malays are lazy and all indians are drunks). stereotypes are not always true, very hurtful and can damage people's reputation.

Point no.1 i cannot take -oh, all girls who go clubbing are cheap, desperate and wild.

I confess that after the breakup i went thru a period of sudden freedom leading me to try n do so so many new things i have never explored or was not allowed to do as a gf.

Like a bird in a cage suddenly release i didn't quite know how to handle so much freedom. so i went out n ATE , SHOP, LEPAK and PARTIED my happy heart away.

met alot of new friends, discovered so many new pleasures and learn so many new things!

Let me assure u that my often trips to the club are not desperate measures to find a bf or get drunk n hug some stranger to fill the hole of love in my heart. HELL NO! i'm smarter than that. all the girls/guys that go along with me are smarter than that in fact.

People do things by choice. Maybe some people go clubs to look at pretty girls, get some 1 nite stand, get high on drugs, get high on alcohol, smoke like a choo choo train, dance shake their booty or watever. What ppl do is their freaking choice as almost everybody inside is already a big ass ADULT.

Haha, so many ppl have been asking me recently why i have i become some bad girl who spends her weds/sat nights at these dark "bad" places. they worry i mix with wrong company, get drunk n taken advantage.

ALOHA! i want to tell all you people something that maybe only the closest of friends know-

SANDRA CHEAH HATES TO DRINK!

it doesn't mean i never tasted beer/liquor its just that i hate the way it smells n tastes like cockroach in my mouth. yucks! i'm good with coke most of the time. u will never believe that i have ordered plain water no ice in a CLUB! even the bartender laughed at me! ;P

i find drinking alcohol, putting liquid posion into the body system, getting drunk n suffering massive hangover is such a dumbass thing to do!! plus my own testimonies of watching frens n random ppl doing shit when drunk is a total turnoff!

My main aim of clubbing is to dance like a madwoman n feel naturally sweaty high, have a rocking good time with my girlfrens,take a million photos, and check out what new fashion other girls are wearing.

I do not dance with strangers especially guys, never give out my number, never smoked or taken drugs ever! for what do damaging things to my young nice body?! siao ah..

So I've stated my case. Going clubbing doesn't make me or the majority of girls cheap, desperate or wild (much as saying standing in a garage makes u a car!). we just wanna have fun! (in my case clean fun!) .

I have not changed into a bitch who has forgotten her God, parents, friends or principals in life. I am still the silly old lovable Sandra from the small town of Seremban. I have not forgotten where i come from or where my priorities lie. I will know when to stop going when the time comes.

So, dont be so quick to judge. Remember we all are sinners ok. be the 1st one to throw the stone if ur free of guilt n sin. Thats my 2 cents worth! Cheers!

I paste a PLASTER on my head

2011-11-24T00:49:00.003+08:00

nobody would believe it. even i cant believe it

my prayers from July until now was answered in a DESSERT SHOP in small sban!

i finally have an answer. I have an answer to my madness and obsession of mr.X.

My girls Chris (who just got back from NZ ) and Catherine actually knocked rational sense into me after 2 hours of talking.

Main lessons learned that made me quite angry with myself for not realizing it myself:

1.STOP BEING A SLAVE and doing everything for him cause he will take u for granted.

2. STOP believing the excuse he has no time! if he can go "overseas" often to see the other girl and no time for u he is not worth it. trust no guy n his words in fact.

3. STOP feeling shitty low esteem, losing my character and losing all my maruah diri !

4. Time limit set for positive affirmation is end of the year. after that its time to close eyes, kill hope n totally take flight!

5. I am beautiful, educated and lovable. why bind myself on a one way love highway of suffering?! BODOHNYER!

God actually spoke n said its time to stop the madness. focus on singlehood , dont rush anything n repair all the broken things inside first.

and with the reassurance above from both of them . (the rest of the girls in penang have been repeatedly saying n scolding me repeatedly but only today only just now it all made perfect sense. )

WHY THE HECK AM I ALLOWING MYSELF TO BE TREATED LIKE DIRT?! UNAPPRECIATED n INVINSIBLE?! HOW STUPID wei was to allow him to play with my emotions like this!!

if he cant appreciate / love me then heck there are other better guys out there who can do that !!

After such a long time i felt my eyes opened from blindness. eventhough i fear i might be soft hearted when i see him face to face but i will remind myself of this answered prayer. and i thank u Lord for lifting my rock burden, throw it into the sea and allowing peace in my heart .

Aihh, after listening to their experiences. sometimes i feel we sban girls (girls from small kampung places) are so naive, trusting n soft hearted. we melt n give in too fast when it comes to guys. its time to learn n toughen up!

I dont know. maybe i'll get weak n stumble n get all emo again in the future but i am CERTAIN of the things i want in a guy and if he is not part of the plan then ADIOS AMIGOS! :) never felt so relieved n happy in months...

the waiting game

2011-11-23T00:53:00.000+08:00

hi dear readers.
its 1am in the morning n its raining n i'm so tired but i cant sleep.
i read a status of a student that said "when is it my turn to be happy"
and it got me thinking...yes when can i ask that question as well?
it is no easy task watching ur girlfrens and good buddies having somebody to love or is already happily married (some with kids!) and i lie down and think to myself the same question.- when is it my turn?

It is so normal for everyhuman being to want to be appreciated, to give n receive love.
so i remember the great words my mother said "good things come to those who wait. u rush it u lose it or end up with 2nd class material"
So in all my envy of my close frens above. i will wait. and wait. until God reveals his plans. but i tell u i HATE waiting but what else can i do? ;)
to those who dont have a partner in life yet i also urge u to WAIT! dont make my same mistakes by always rushing things n ending up like a broken fool...

LIKE A BOSS! ;P

2011-11-21T23:50:00.003+08:00

YO MY DEAR READERS!!

Sandra is in da house!!

literally back home sweet home! been having intimate time with my bouncy big bed as sleep comes so naturally here.

the air is sweeter n food is free, there is running hot water, washing machine with big space to hang clothes, big mirrors, tv with cable, cars to drive, kitchen to cook n fridge to raid in the middle of the nite like a BOSS!! :D

in less than 24 hours i've been sooooooo HAPPY i forgot why i was even sad depressed back in penang..

ahh the good life.

appreciate ur family as much as possible, once ur far from em u will miss em like CRAZY! (along with all the house benefits! )hahaha..i dont feel like going back to work! :D

unicorns in the sky

2011-11-18T01:18:00.006+08:00

Hi dear readers.

U know whats a unicorn?

To me the unicorn is something mystical,strong,a symbol of purity and grace, extremely beautiful and wild.

My current state of mind is like marshmellow clouds. If u could unscrew my head u would see cotton candy marshmellow floating inside. u know why? i've lost it again. time n time after i sworn to forget Mr.X ( fyi he is NOT MY EX BF cause many ppl think its buan i'm referring to all this while )

I am currently chasing the unicorn (ppl high on drugs chase the dragon)

Hello! Have u seen people eat marshmallow clouds for breakfast?

Unicorns don't exists. It exists only in the fragments of a disillusioned mind in denial.

I just found out he loves somebody else n probably me as well? the 2 of us? wth. its so complicated. to feel jealousy take root in my heart for the VERY FIRST time. felt very much like stepping hard on sharp pieces of broken glass, bleed n step in again. i have never had to compete with a girl in the game of love. 24 years - never. until yesterday.

and not just any ordinary girl somemore!! (details not to be shared).

i spent yesterday night twisted in pain from the ache of my stupid stupid heart. i didnt sleep a wink. every second was like torture. his words went on repeat mode in my head. and i went to work, came back cranky n i'm so afraid insomia will strike again.

To add to misery, i banged my car yesterday n more money has to come out to pay for it. I hate it when shit happens n my money gets cut. mommy suppose to come to penang to meet me but last minute her sch bus couldn't make it. imagine the disappointment n frustration in my heart. ALL of this shit happened in one day!

I'm stubborn like a rock.

Everybody is throwing me caution, advice n love but i cant feel it, i cant receive any of it cause i've closed the door.dear frens dont get me wrong i am grateful but i myself consciously know nothing is going in! WHY?!

I'm so tired of this..i tot living in penang alone would be the prime of my life!

i'm tired of living this life of half happiness during daytime & half depression at night when its all quiet n lonely. nobody can understand this madness including myself.

I'm tired of complaining!!

to think 1 guy could have earthquake jolted my foundation of confidence, poise n bubbly person i used to be. just only a few months back, i would be the unicorn instead of chasing one.

Why do i waste my youth loving n chasing something that belongs only in the fantasy world.

Ru fah n elene says i deserve better! move on. plenty of fish in the sea.

should i fight on n not live with the what ifs (like what i talked to allyson) ? giving up now is more painful than living the fantasy of chasing the unicorn. call me a fool that cannot be saved. thats what i am.

Missing BRA!

2011-11-14T23:51:00.001+08:00

i dont know how to say this...

but....

my FAVOURITE BLACK STRAPLESS BRA IS MISSING!!

wth...wth ...omgomg...ya tuhan...apa nak jadi ni..

best part- i DONT KNOW WHERE IT IS!!

it costs me 3 digits to buy it!! my most expensive bra is actually MIA!!!

the horror when i discovered it was missing...like mad woman shifting thru every drawer n throwing everything out!

i'm guessing i left it at the gym cause i rechecked my laundry n cupboards and called mom to check my sban room also dont have.. =(

i dont know how this happened and i'm very devastated! its something so close to my heart! (literally!)

who wants to sponsor a new one? for christmas maybe? i need ur "support!" hahahaha ;)

papercut on the surface

2011-11-13T00:53:00.009+08:00

I have discovered n learned so many life lessons since the breakup.

no promise cannot be broken, fairytale happiness is extinct n life is never fair.

i dare say one part of innocence n trust is gone forever.
Its better to be independent, trust God alone n love the people worth loving.

I think back and shudder at the thought of what if..

what if i was a fool to agree to the proposal when i was 18, didn't go to uni n just settled down for a mundane life in sban?

and another big proposal just a few months back?

I gave up the opportunity of big bouquet of roses, champagne, fireworks, bling ring n fancy jewellery n a HOUSE! no need to ever work n receive monthy income for free?

the old sandra would cry n sigh at the waste of so much materialistic things.

but now when i hear it all, i just shrug it off without no FEELING AT ALL.

i always meet Mr.Wrong because i have no common sense and high standards when it comes to choosing.

I just wanna be me. its so tiring to want and wait for something big n wonderful.

its so tiring to forget him Mr.X still...his deep laughter n special smell. i'm weird i know.

after going out with so many guys (even got married guy asked me out-eww reject lah!) i still feel comfortable with him alone.

but for certain i aint gonna let him get me down.

i will push the painful memory of wanting him away n build new happy memories of my own.

i imagine a future bigger n brighter than this current state.
FOCUS on my career n self development first! "prioritize u idiot!" my head tells my heart!

i dont believe i cant get thru this. i will cause i'm a fighter! always have and always will be!

(p/s- the next person who asks me WHY I DONT HAVE a REAL JOB or when i'm getting married, why no boyfren and all will get a tight slap between my gigantic clown shoes! i'm happy for now. dont insult me. Let me just be!

Its 11.11am with 11 wishes

2011-11-11T10:43:00.004+08:00

GOOD MORNING READERS!

TGIF!! those in school and working world would be shouting n clapping for the long weekend!

Haha Creampuff starts working today!

MOOD LEVEL: 5 STARS!

I woke up today realizing its 11.11.11

I have frens getting married today n others celebrating it big time with their loved ones. i also just found out u get to make a wish cause this date wont come again in our generation!

TOP 11 wishlist (yes i'm greedy i made 11)

1. I wish to meet my sponsored child in Thailand (he must be 12 years old now) one day. i've been supporting 2 diff children since age 16 and all i get to see is pictures. would be so nice to see him face to face n hug the little one. If i had enough cash i would support more children in china n india as well.

2. I really wanna go Hong Kong and see my best fren Mary Anne there for a girly holiday. i've mentioned this a million times but never found correct timing for her n me :(

3. When my yayasan money comes in (from education 1st class thingy) i wish to send my parents for a cruise/ holiday trip anywhere they wanna go (cause they have never gone for an overseas vacation ever!) to repay all their loving kindness thruout all these years.

4. When i get a bigger place to live i wish to keep guinea pigs again. i miss Mimi and Moomoo so much. Loving pets makes ur life so fufilling!

5. When the time comes to go for posting. i wish to be a teacher who not only teaches but reaches deep into the lives of students. the ABS and 123 results are not as important as learning life skills n building precious relationships.

6. I wish for ALL ANIMAL cruelty in the world to lessen. to wish for it to end is impossible. A person who loves animals would love his family n frens much. it shows in character.

7. Its been a great deep passion to get my B full licence n ride a superbike! imagine biker chick! Speed n power turns me on big time ;)

8. I so wish i could cook well (at this point my skills are negative bad- try asking all housemates!). time to go home n take cooking lessons from mummy before i regret it big time when i have a family of my own.

9. Would wish to visit universal studios ( haiya singapore one also can) to relive my childhood dreams! Would be nice to go with somebody i love!

10. I wish to open my own business/ co own it with somebody in the food or service industry. its no easy task but one day when i'm able i will quit teaching to be a businesswoman!

11. Last but not least i think its not wrong to pray for a God fearing man who is mature, sensitive and somebody i can respect n love with all my heart. Somebody who would love my family n accept my dark past. He need not be here now or tomorrow but someday when we are both ready =)

I have made my top 11 wishes. have u?

potato chips lightly salted

2011-11-07T02:05:00.005+08:00

dear readers,

Today i'm letting go! yes finally! (its going to be so hard)

i've been praying very hard for others as well as myself recently. the reason i feel my life spiraling out of control is because i have failed to let God take the steering wheel of my life. Mommy has been helping me pray n today for the 1st time in a longggggggg time i felt it was acceptable to be single.

Praise be to God Almighty!! i finally come to terms with my madness and decided it should end HERE n NOW.

i get to eat good food all day long in penang

i love my job n the kids love creampuff

i get to travel quite often also thanks to job

i have a great God loving family who supports me greatly

i have awesomeball sban frens

awesomeball best fren

awesomeball penang frens

I am so dang GRATEFUL for so many things in life (after clowning at orphanage today)

i actually forgave n met up with the ex and talked for hours like normal mature adults. the question of getting back together is out of the window for this period of time but it was so good to see him grow up so fast in a short period of time. then again TALK IS CHEAP so in time character n action will prove louder.

i will also let go of Mr.X starting today cause its so bodoh semacam to keep holding on to the wind when u know its impossible. there is no need to RUSH anything or any relationship for that matter.

To make a mini confession following the ex's statement of blowing RM8k after i dumped him, i must confess that i myself have milked my own savings acc so badly i wanna slap myself with my own clown shoes!

in a matter of 45 days i have swindled RM 3k above for shopping n eating therapy for my bleeding heart!

ya tuhan..dont ever let my parents hear of my foolishness. never to be repeated again.

so for now i'm going to be ok. (i will miss him then and there but i WILL let go n give up hope)

i will learn to enjoy my singlehood n all the perks that come with it.
i will open up my heart to opportunities n learn so many new things this world has to offer,

i will appreciate the people n places and things around me and complain less,
i will stop waiting for acceptance n living up to ur expectations because its time to decide on what i want myself.
i will fall, rise, grow up, fight n fall again but its ok.

i will sleep well tonight n the nights to come knowing all is going to be ok because God is watching over me..

and if f die it will be with a contented heart...

I wish the sea opened up and swallowed me whole.

2011-11-04T18:49:00.003+08:00

hi dear readers..

its friday! feeling great i hope cause ur weekend is here!

i've been on a terrible emotional roller coaster ride for almost 2 months now. faithful readers please bear with me cause u know i'm never like this emo shit thingy before! i just need to climb over this dang hill of thorns n darkness.

Many many people have been asking whats up with the " heart closed & tragic events" in fb post.

in a nutshell its a combination about longing obsession for Mr.X (yes, still..omg) + just found out my ex actually bought a ring to propose to me right before i left him (guilt n sadness overwhelmed) +finding out he wants to date a mutual fren, everybody else could see it except me (WTF wei) + longing to go hometown DENIED by company (cause i chose a weekend to see my frens)

Actually its very dang childish thing to get upset on. (i discovered after talking to sylvia n mom)..after talking i discovered i felt like a loser, like how come he can open his heart so easily again n get a new gf (wannabe) while i'm still hanging like a single idiot.

its like what i don't have u cannot have as well.

i know deep down in my heart breaking up is the right thing for i dont love him no more. then what right do i have to get angry n upset?!

because i'm holding on to the hope of Mr.X i cannot accept new friendship or other guys in front of me..

i've become so numb to all this crap. i want to give up on guys cause they cause me so much heartache!

ArgHh what am i saying?!

All of it is considered so stupidly childish. mom said it proved how immature n selfish i can really be. I'm ready to change n be more humble, have less expectations n behave less bitchy.

"When there was no more options available, I accepted the pain, the best way I could. Through counseling, prayer, and a lot of crying. Then I was able to see the growth in me. Sometimes God places pain to help shape you into the person he wants u to be (dave harn)"

home.

2011-11-02T11:31:00.001+08:00

really wish i could take the next plane home today itself. sleep safely in my own big bed, listen to the crickets sing with the frogs at night (yes i stay at small kampung) , pop my head into the kitchen n see my mummy smile back at me, to hear my brothers fight over the computer n my dad babbling non stop at them. the chuckle n gossip of my frens and the slow peaceful pace of Seremban.

Alas, the sounds, sights n patterns all so familiar to me. i want to unload all my stories n heartache unto my best advisor and mentor mom,

i miss them all truly, dearly.. no happening life or food in penang could ever replace the small town simpleton girl inside me :'(

Animal jokes and tongue twisters!

2011-11-02T11:25:00.001+08:00

If a noisy noise annoys an onion, an annoying noisy noise annoys an onion more!

Please peel this peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked.

Surely Shirley shall sell Sheila's seashells by the seashore.

Which witch wishes to switch a witch wristwatch for a Swiss wristwatch?

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

------------------------------------------------------------

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side!

Why did the chicken cross the Internet?
To get to the other site!

Why did the chicken get in trouble?
Because it used fowl language!

What do you call a very old ant?
An antique!

Why did the robin go to the library?
To find bookworms!

What do you call a cat that can jump far?
A catapult!

Why shouldn't you loan books to a dog?
It will make them dog-eared!

What is even smarter than a talking bird?
A spelling bee!

What's striped and jumps?
A zebra with hiccups!

What's little and quick and has 32 wheels?
A spider on roller skates!

What do you get from a cow that jumps up and down?
A milkshake!

Chicken licken

2011-11-01T14:08:00.005+08:00

HI DEAR READERS!!

Today's post is short n simple.
its about CHICKENS!
oh how i love to eat chicken..roasted, boiled, souped, fried, in gravy and etc. cook em anyway i'll eat em!
asking me to go vegetarian is like asking my Mickey hamster to sprout wings n fly!

in times of bad bad economy...

Oh its a sweet dream to me this one! haha

Last but not least:
check out what i saw in Tesco last night?!
Didn't know i had my own chain of eggs sold in stores! WOOTS !!
BELI TELUR SEGAR SANDY from today onward. support support!! (laughed so loud the aunty next door almost dropped her cartoon of eggs!)

i figured it out!

2011-10-31T01:35:00.002+08:00

Hi dear readers.

i just dawned upon something so drastic n important i needed to share it out loud.

remember the time u fought with ur sibling or fren in tadika/primary school over something really silly.

"neh neh i got one u dont have" kinda snickering n squabbling n yelling would happen all over n over?

After a long talk with Elene last night i realise the REASON i'm so madly infatuated (deeply missing n loving) Mr.X is because whatever i do i cannot make him mine! its just like a child begging for a toy in the toyshop. He shouts, jumps kicks n yells for the toy until his parents get him what he wants. Once he owns the toy, there is no joy in it because the "WANTING" phase is gone. the "exciting " part of demanding attention is gone.

Lo and behold i AM THAT IRRITATING lil child.

i've been wanting him to notice me n care n love me back because i cannot have him.

with other guys its easy, i make my move n pop i have it in my hands.

its exciting and driving me crazy cause i'm NOT GETTING wat i want.

Gosh..when it dawned upon me yesterday i realise the ROOT PROBLEM of my madness.

thank u Elene for waking me up.

Oh trust me, the grass is never greener on the other side. once u cross it u will look again for greener pastures. For my case once i get a guy/bf i will always see other guys as better, nicer, more qualified. yes i'm a green eyed monster.

Ah..at last i know whats wrong with me.

its just plain childishness taking over.

case can half closed. i can now push the fairtytale illogical ideas to the grave. rest in peace. amen.

focus on the happy tots =)

2011-10-28T22:22:00.001+08:00

Hi dear readers

currently i'm crumpled up in pain =( been experiencing gastric from 8am- now 10.15pm!! the pain just wont go away even with medication, sleep and food! why is this happening?!! thank god for Rufah who bought me dinner n medication!
along with it i got fever and diarrhea.. i even gave up my clowning jobs today resulting in loss of around rm200 plus =(
at this point i really wished i had a boyfren to cry n wail my pain and cuddle up but nope non existent so i will fight this bitch alone!

To dwell in pain n despair is to give power over it to rule my mindset so i turn to happy things and pray that by tomorrow everything will be bright n cherry once more! i NEED TO WORK wei (considering my spending habits r so jialat!)

Below are photo series of the happy things i did recently with tiffany who came back from kl for a short holl!:

In Strait Quay we had 3 times tea time from charlie brown to delicious to blue reef (ALL top class yummy)

BEAUTIFUL on the inside makes u beautiful on the outside! =)

Everything in life can be better if we look at things from diff perspectives!
Cheers to the weekend darlings =) smiley face, chin up and put ur best foot forward!!

Diwali Lights n TONS OF FOOD!!

2011-10-27T13:13:00.001+08:00

HI DEAR READERS!

how fast time flies! the pictures above were taken 1 year ago during Deepavali which we celebrated in Seremban with family frens!

I love all Indian celebrations like Diwali and Thaipusam and all the mini god festivals inbetween cause they are bound to be so much music, dancing, colours and my fav- FOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!! (i'm very addicted to indian food, sometimes i feel more indian than chinese)

This year me and py got to go to Deeban's house and Neshalini's place!

(thank u shen yung for taking me to the 1st house!)

What u see in the pictures is not even half the stuff we ate. we were so stuffed with cookies, amazingball curry mutton and curry chicken n thosai and veggie n the list goes on and on!!

the mutton in the picture above is so tender u would never guess it was mutton in the 1st place!

banyak gembira dapat makan!

shen yung and his good fren Deeban!

i ate with my hands! kinda failed cause rice was dropping out everywhere

group photo! there were so many kids but they went home by the time we took photo.

shy lil one

this thambi was showing me how cool he was in his blanket

peekaboo! can u see me?

And we drove across the bridge to Bukit Mertajam to visit my good old partner Nesha!! (her house super big ok!)

Smile girls! R at the end there dunno how to smile wan.

crazy picca!!

After high on sugar we go like this!

yum yum HOMEMADE stuff! we even got to tapao balik rumah

i love the green candy and ghee balls!

2nd round of good food!

they made their own kolam which i tot was sooooo beautiful

nesha gave us photu to wear also! chindian leh?

ahh..picture perfect!

poser me just HAD to take this photo cause it was so suited to the festival!

After spending so many hours at her place (i even fell asleep on the bean bag!) me and py headed over to Sunway Carnival Mall to do window shopping!

hey the poothu looks nice even with normal clothing! haha

Lok lok at chai leng park!

always must attack the octopus..and very soon i'll be suffering from high cholesterol! muahahaa

Thats how i spend 1 whole day with frens who matter =)

Oh how i wish the gov postpones the posting to schools until middle of next year so i can holiday even longer cause i'm LOVING the current lifestyle so much! i dont wanna give it up yet. WAHH =))

stateless

2011-10-26T21:16:00.003+08:00

Today i learnt a new word i wanna share that pin points my current situation of letting go n remembering n letting go ( so damn annoying to my mental peace) :

acc to URBAN DICTIONARY:

TWEENERS

stuck in the limbo between being more than friends, but less than lovers.
not exactly dating, but quite close.

(fyi, i'm not refering to a girl, v much still straight)

lonely is a freedom that breaths easy and weightless

2011-10-25T16:32:00.000+08:00

Below if a beautiful poem n video dedicated by Jess Choo my good and loyal hamster fren =)
its so beautiful it would be a waste not to share it with all my dear readers..

HOW TO BE ALONE by Tanya Davis

If you are at first lonely, be patient. If you've not been alone much, or if when you were, you weren't okay with it, then just wait. You'll find it's fine to be alone once you're embracing it.

We could start with the acceptable places, the bathroom, the coffee shop, the library. Where you can stall and read the paper, where you can get your caffeine fix and sit and stay there. Where you can browse the stacks and smell the books. You're not supposed to talk much anyway so it's safe there.

There's also the gym. If you're shy you could hang out with yourself in mirrors, you could put headphones in (guitar stroke).

And there's public transportation, because we all gotta go places.

And there's prayer and meditation. No one will think less if you're hanging with your breath seeking peace and salvation.

Start simple. Things you may have previously (electric guitar plucking) based on your avoid being alone principals.

The lunch counter. Where you will be surrounded by chow-downers. Employees who only have an hour and their spouses work across town and so they -- like you -- will be alone.

Resist the urge to hang out with your cell phone.

When you are comfortable with eat lunch and run, take yourself out for dinner. A restaurant with linen and silverware. You're no less intriguing a person when you're eating solo dessert to cleaning the whipped cream from the dish with your finger. In fact some people at full tables will wish they were where you were.

Go to the movies. Where it is dark and soothing. Alone in your seat amidst a fleeting community.
And then, take yourself out dancing to a club where no one knows you. Stand on the outside of the floor till the lights convince you more and more and the music shows you. Dance like no one's watching...because, they're probably not. And, if they are, assume it is with best of human intentions. The way bodies move genuinely to beats is, after all, gorgeous and affecting. Dance until you're sweating, and beads of perspiration remind you of life's best things, down your back like a brook of blessings.

Go to the woods alone, and the trees and squirrels will watch for you.
Go to an unfamiliar city, roam the streets, there're always statues to talk to and benches made for sitting give strangers a shared existence if only for a minute and these moments can be so uplifting and the conversations you get in by sitting alone on benches might've never happened had you not been there by yourself

Society is afraid of alonedom, like lonely hearts are wasting away in basements, like people must have problems if, after a while, nobody is dating them. but lonely is a freedom that breaths easy and weightless and lonely is healing if you make it.

You could stand, swathed by groups and mobs or hold hands with your partner, look both further and farther for the endless quest for company. But no one's in your head and by the time you translate your thoughts, some essence of them may be lost or perhaps it is just kept.

Perhaps in the interest of loving oneself, perhaps all those sappy slogans from preschool over to high school's groaning were tokens for holding the lonely at bay. Cuz if you're happy in your head than solitude is blessed and alone is okay.

It's okay if no one believes like you. All experience is unique, no one has the same synapses, can't think like you, for this be releived, keeps things interesting lifes magic things in reach.

And it doesn't mean you're not connected, that communitie's not present, just take the perspective you get from being one person in one head and feel the effects of it. take silence and respect it. if you have an art that needs a practice, stop neglecting it. if your family doesn't get you, or religious sect is not meant for you, don't obsess about it.

you could be in an instant surrounded if you needed it
If your heart is bleeding make the best of it
There is heat in freezing, be a testament.

SUNNY SUGAR!

2011-10-25T11:54:00.003+08:00

GOOD MORNING sunshine readers!

the very obvious thing about my sunny disposition is because..

are u ready to hear this?

good news to share!

---

-------------

------------------------

------------------------------------------

I'm CURED OF MY INSOMIA!!!

All praise be to God almighty!!

My mom has been praying very hard for me, so have i for myself plus the unending support n love from my darling girlfrens and frens around me. i'm beginning to heal in ways i never tot was possible!

i actually SLEEP SO WELL at night. its a natural thing for some but getting back that pleasure is a MIRACLE for me!

I invest in the things that make me happy: FOOD, FRIENDs, CLOWNING, SHOPPING (its been hard on my atm but its ok) and self time (to eat alone n do things alone n just be quiet)

creampuff in action with ally and Darrell

current addiction of tong pak fu taiwanese desserts. the bomb!

thai BBQ

awesome frens

singing karaoke to release tension!

buying new clothing n posing! haha

laughing unbashfully with the girls and just being oneself!

eating lok lok in the rain! literally water dripping on my head!

God even sends animal frens to cheer me up like this handsome poodle who smiled for my camera.

I think when we pray to be more patient, mature and loving and to be a better person God does not automatically fixes u into a goody goody gum drop. He gives u super hard testing times to refine u like gold in the furnace to become what he desires u to be..(okay i admit the fire burning part of testing REALLY is damn susah i dont like it at all)

writing the letter to Mr.X (see here) has indeed allowed me to move on faster as well, constant busyness with frens n events keep my mind active n far from idle for an idle mind is the devil's workshop. I still care n like him but it is for the best n wisest thing that i shut my heart n dont rush love like a mad desperado.

If u love something that is not meant to be urs it is better to let it go ..sigh, pei yue n my mom was right, i need to work on my self development n emotional issues before sharing my life with somebody else. i want to give my future partner the BEST in me not dump all my emotional baggage n drown him along.. single-hood might be a good lesson for me.

AH...=)) i cant help but to thank God n all the wonderful ppl who have helped me thru such dark psychotic times n still stick by me.

I promise to be a better and fun daughter n fren after this episode! =)

*bouncy mode back on!*

A real real childhood.

2011-10-19T02:17:00.001+08:00

rocking cool Creampuff 1/2 done

HI DEAR READERS!

Today Creampuff n Ryan went for Astro Roadshow in Jawi!

hello u like my bicycle?

Today's show was ultra special.

it was not one to entertain rich spoilt clean kids or high rise coperate business people.

today we went into a small remote kampung to bring some cheer n laughter.

they ran in the super rainstorm just to take balloons. priceless smiles =)

ryan and his creation of GUITAR HERO!

i've got Polly the parrot on my shoulder!

Today's clowning session was ultra tiring as there were so many kids plus the gloomy rainstorm.

but today i learnt something valuable as well.

"TRUE HAPPINESS CANNOT BE BOUGHT WITH MONEY OR FAME"

the children were simple, not rich nor did they have much material things.

yet i envied them.

they had a REAL CHILDHOOD.

one where they could RUN outdoors in the streets,

DANCE in the rain

LAUGH like normal little mischievous kids,

CYCLE safely everywhere to their little hearts content,

have tons of real life FRIENDS to joke, poke, jostle n play with outdoors daily.

not a single boring day in their lives.

they knew how to say THANK U and knew how to be grateful with the small things in life.

they didn't complain, shout or talk back to me.

they shared their belongings and they were protective of the younger ones.

lining up for candyfloss- something new to most of em.

cycling in the rain.

happy kampung kids . loving life just the way it is =)

Its times like this that i feel that my job is SOOOOOO REWARDING n MEANINGFUL.

to put a smile on a child's face WITHOUT taking anything in return.

money can certainly buy nice things but the better things in life are free.

i do pray that my own future children will have a proper childhood growing up like i did back in hometown Sban with my best fren Maryanne n the gang.

Today's generation of potato couch tv, ipad and iphone kids poking n staring passively at the screen is NOT THE WAY any child grow up with, technology has somehow ROBBED children the right to be good old plain kids.

Dear Mr.X

2011-10-19T01:26:00.001+08:00

HI dear READERS!

I read in a self help book that to forget somebody dear u write a letter to the person without sending it. Within the letter, u state all your feelings. pouring it out will actually release the stress. Its been 1.5 months of insomnia n restless mood swings, i have tried almost everything n i'm exhausted of ideas. here goes one try to self recovery..

Dear Mr.X,

I see u quite often and yet, you have no idea you are the major shareholder in WHY i'm having insomnia day in day out. i can barely get u out of my head n heart. when i sleep, eat, work as clown n out with frens! Its a 24 hour thing! Its so FREAKING ANNOYING n SUFFERING!

I confess, every time i see u or talk to u my heart races so fast like an F1 car n my blood shoots rite thru my brains! I panic when i see u ! (only u cause i'm comfortable with socializing with everybody!)

After i have calmed down i think to myself, where is this childish IDIOTcrisy coming from? Wahlaowei, i'm 24 years old not some 14 year old tween who just had her 1st crush (it felt the same way with "A" my ex a long time ago..)

You say ur a simple guy who is not ready for commitment but i see so much more in u. There is a certain aura of leadership, ambitiousness and determination burning within u that attracts me. You manage to play n work at the same time. There is also the softer side of u that not many can see. Did i mention u have an ultra super sexy low voice and ridiculous infectious laughter? haha.

Omg, how i wish i could rewind the clock n take back the super embarrassing moments when i made a fool of myself confessing face to face all my buried feelings n got laughed at for "thinking too much" n "lets just be friends line". (rethinking of it now makes me wanna stab myself with a plastic fork)

In my madness i have said too many stupid things and acted so childishly. i AM NOT LIKE THIS EVER around other people. I only wish u know how much i cared abt u.you mean so much to me. every conversation/ text from u is like tiny droplets of happiness raining on my soul.

i also wish i could stop caring cause this is a one sided infatuation, one hand clapping like a fool.

Deep down i also wished u would love me back,

but that is utterly impossible and so heartbreaking to the point of physical pain,

Its going to be so hard to leave penang if i ever get posted somewhere else.

I'm so blind to see ur faults. I'm so blind to accept the fact there will never be a happy ending.

My close friends say you are bad news because ur selfish n i'm just plain vulnerable n desperate after the breakup.

but it doesn't matter..... it doesn't matter in the end.

Mr.X u have ur own happening life, dont care about me sincerely, (thank God u dont read my blog) n u certainly am not interested in a emotional wreck like me. ='(

love makes me foolishly blind

yours sincerely,

Sandra C <3

Oh God let my heart STOP caring, STOP thinking and STOP this madness from ruining my future happiness.

There is plenty of fish in the sea i tell myself...

i need closure. God help me.

when i grow up

2011-10-12T12:16:00.005+08:00

This is my darling mommy Esther Chen.

Many girls lament that when they grow up they SWEAR never to turn into their mothers.

I on the other hand aspire to be more like her when i grow up n have my own family.

She is the most humble yet strongest person i have ever known.

full of EQ, common sense n wisdom.

Multi talented from cooking (all those who receive her kaya n pot luck buffets will testify to that) to sports (she can play all sports related to ball like dad!) to housemaking (our house is not tidiest of em all but she does the v best) Patient n cool in all emergency n situations! (never have i seen her shout, panic or yell obscenities at anyone)

Above all, she is a great mother, teacher n lover.

She has suffered through poverty and yet she is the most generous n blunt honest person i ever know.

She continued to marry my dad despite objections from grandparents,

she continued to love my middle brother who had slight ADD n hyperactive syndrome and gave everybody a hard time,

She continued to believe in me even after i caused so much sch disciplinary n emotional problems in my teenage years,

she continued to lend money to all the undeserving ppl who never intend to pay back (for she believed in giving the benefit of the doubt)

She continued to care for all the people who were shunned by community because she believed in chances n change.

She continued to go to church, serve actively n held on to her faith in God even after our family went thru very dark times,

She continued her teaching carrier even when work was overloaded because she believed she had to be there for her students.

She silently endured SO MUCH heartache n gossip from family members eventhough she was in the right (i was the one fighting back for her)

She quietly suffered a list of illnesses alone for fear of troubling us (many times i'm the last to know abt her health condition as she didnt want me to worry)

She never allowed herself any pleasures of buying new clothes or eating fancy food because she was saving for the people she loved: us <3

She is simple n has little needs in life.

She may not be the richest, prettiest or smartest mom in the world but her inner beauty outshines the sun!

To be able to share the same DNA with such a great woman after God's heart is my greatest honour.

my only regret was to take her for granted so many times n to break her trust n heart repeatedly...=(

The last msg she wrote to me recently while i was depressed was: "Whatever u need mommy will give, If its money i will send it to u, if u need someone to talk to i'm ur friend n listener. I will pray for u and i understand. mommy has been there all this while n will be there for u in the future. =') "

If she had given up on me during my teenage years i would now be a drug addict, or stuck in an abusive relationship or gone alcoholic a long time ago. She stuck by me, stuck up for me when everybody hated me.

To all who know her, they will surely love her whether its in the extended family, school, church or community.

I miss her very much n am tearing up while writing this..

When i grow up i wish to be as good as she is, a living legacy in the lives of all who know her.

sakit hati

2011-10-11T00:04:00.001+08:00

SAKIT HATI!!
i just dont know whats gotten into me!!!
day in day out complaining n emo-ing.
moving on for me is good but when i see him move on i sakit hati.
when i see him with her i cringe my head?! WTH!
Why am i getting jealous over something that is no longer of my concern!!
apa ni? gila ke? Its not love just plain childish jealously! (like u got i also want kinda shit)

It makes me feel so inferior.
i have always felt second class n incomplete without a lover.
But i have plenty of frens..dashing guys and lovely girls with my family to top it up!!
i lead such a carefree life!!
what more can i ask for?

Sandra, this is what u want. remember! dont FALL BACK!!NEVER! noooooooo
i tell myself it will pass *breathe in breathe out*
even clowns have their super unhappy insecure days.
='(

need help

2011-10-08T11:27:00.004+08:00

Its so easy to cover everything with a smile n a funny face

Insomnia getting from bad to worst

gonna go see a psychiatrist soon when i find the time.

there is sooooo much inbuild anger and dissatisfaction within me ..i cannot pin point the problem and my conscience mind cannot understand it.

after breaking up i realise there is so much emptiness within
the loneliness is just too much for me to bear. it scares me to the core.
i struggle to fill the hole in my heart with such exasperation akin a fish gasping for breath out of water.

i have not lost my mind just going to understand it better with the help of a professional.

these few days i have done unspeakable things n hurt myself so much more than before.

i'm sorry for not being the perfect daughter, friend and lover that u have wanted me to be.

i expect too much from myself i think.

and i tot growing up would be easy after the teen angst years.

*anybody wanna recommend me a good doctor in penang?

confused

2011-10-05T23:31:00.001+08:00

Yes at this point my brain is like potato mush.

i cant believe of all ppl me ?!!

My heart says yes my brain says no!

but I live by the choices I make n bear the consequences myself.

i hope i wont grow old regretting it or carrying the burden of guilt around my neck.

and now my insomia is never gonna get better

i die rocks to my feet n drown lower into the sea.

Gosh i think too much!

i hate me! ARghhh

Funny piccas! =P

2011-10-04T10:28:00.000+08:00

Hi dear readers!!

To cherry up the mood today, its time for brainless laugh along pics!

WHY EVERYONE SHOULD HAVE A CAMERA PHONE:

Have a happy cherry day people! going out now! =)

Graduation in a blink ;)

2011-10-03T10:27:00.001+08:00

Helo dear readers!!

Today is monday n its gonna be a good day cause i've got plans lined up until nighttime!

promised to post abt my graduation ya..will not bore u out with words so its more picture time.

5 YEARS AGO in USM (hostel, classes)

disclaimer: the clothing do not belong to me.

with allyson

operating the stupid mashing machine in hostel. i hated it so much

5 Years fast forward into present.

graduation dinner at rasa sayang. burn 1 big hole in my pocket but was worth it!

compare us with the picca above! big difference rite

housemates!

studied my ass off for 4 years just to live a few seconds on stage with a scroll.

i made myself balloon flowers n was the only one that day!

clown buddies

the people who made it all possible

This is just the beginning of so many bright n beautiful things to come.
I thank all who have given me a chance to grow up n become the Sandra i am today. i love each n everyone of u.
If teaching is my calling then i will go to serve the Lord.
For now, i totally dig my 3 day working life n holidaying to the max in the island of super food n entertainment surrounded by so many ppl i love <3
(looking back i'm so glad i didn't commit suicide when i was 16 n depressed. who would know the future would be soooooooooooooo promising!)