Bees drink teh tarik.

ITS TUESDAY AND HELLO DEAR READERS!

the best antidote to a sad heart is to receive personal msges from girlfrens who read previous blog posts and sent super sweet words of encouragement. of course there is always a cup of "happy juice" to kickstart my day more commonly known as 

TEH TARIK!! i get high on caffeine!

would like to apologize for my terrible sad case post yesterday. paiseh ah.. dont know what was wrong with me. probably pms, lack of sleep and not enough noise! (the house is so quiet not used to it after cny so happening)

anyways lets start the day with a motivational song which i have been SINGING NON STOP since morning (poor allyson's ears working downstairs must be burning already! haha)

Dear fellow sisters, dont u know ur beautiful on the inside and out!! dont feel insecure!! ur smile may light up someone's life today so go out n strut ur stuff babygurls!

 ok la, i'm off to study since yesterday i slept instead of studying for bladdy interview on the 9th febuary! wish me luck! :)

The past comes back to haunt.

NOW EVERYTHING IS SCREWED UP.

having a REALLY bad pms session.

hormone levels are low and everything seems so depressing .

i feel so alone , miserable n sad. 

i want to curl up n cry n wish somebody would hug me.

i have lost control of functions.

i want to be loved. irony is i cannot receive love anymore.

it all started when i went back to sban it was suppose to be happy n happening but dampened by the fact i ran into memory of 4 of my ex-es (2indirectly 2face to face)!

Bad embarrassing history i thought was dead buried with the past was mentioned RIGHT in my face. and i tot NOBODY KNEW except a few (but they obviously shared the news like their damn right to BCC CNN broadcast it)

after almost 10 years the story came up like repulsive vomit thrown into my face. all i did to forget that incident was now publicly mocking me in the face during that reunion. laughing at my fault. thinking i was the slut/ bitch i was in my foolish youth. i dont know why ppl's memory can be so good when it comes to evil bad things. 

i am so ashamed of my past. i wanna take a magic eraser n UNDO all the mistakes i made in the past. 

ESPECIALLY when it comes to bfs (now dont ask me how many already. MYOB).

I have had my heart played, broken n used but i still go back into the same circle of abuse n distrust.

I have made pretty bad choices in life n hurt many guys in the past with my actions n words. 

I deeply apologize to all of you guys. all of u whom i have purposely hurt for my pleasure and pride, the ignorance of my youth :( one word of apology will never cure the scars i have left. i hang my head in shame n cry tears of remorse. to him who will never forgive me i understand.

and so karma has finally ran its marathon n CAUGHT me by the neck like a dog, shaken me for pleasure, watch me yelp in pain n tears. It is happily torturing me back for all my past sins (all the evil things, all the hurt i think back i shiver in fear at the hardness of my heart i cannot believe hw the same person could commit such unspeakable acts)

Recently i found out that the person i love has found new love i guess, or somebody else to sleep with. the more reason to HATE him rite? but the only person i hate is myself for not letting go. for allowing sadness creep into my heart n sit on the throne reigning as dictator of a ass king! 

*AWARD FOR QUEEN OF DRAMA N SELF PITY GOES TO MISS SANDRA CHEAH*okay, take the award go down stage n fcking slap urself into reality.wth is wrong with you girl?! WAKE UP! he aint never gonna look at u with love in his eyes.Dont hover around hopes like a lost puppy! gosh u are pathetic when ur not on happy juice. Time n time again we must tell u, MOVE on. dont look back, cut all ties . stop acting dumb. accept the facts woi! how we despise it everytime u talk about Mr.X ! macam tape recorder spoilt n on repeat mode. Boring!!!!

okok, in my madness i have talked to myself n physically really slapped myself twice (one on the right the other on the left)

Its 1.28am and i think all the emo-ness has been cured thru writing. the more i write the more i express the BETTER I feel
I have to go study now for my fcking teaching interview. i have 999999999 pages of goddamn history n education values to memorize n regurgitate on interview next week. oh how i hate my life rite now.

to end this emo post i shall show u pictures of ex bf no ___ and his new cny beautiful baby (which makes me feel more jealous ! ppl got family d i dont even have a teaching job. sigh)

dear bloggers, super sandra is not like this all the time. stay with me. kick me when u do see me in real life. thankyouverymuch. (",)

the angry child

today i saw a child during clowning

he was probably 10years the most and had 2 younger siblings.

he was the sulkiest and angriest little person i have ever met.

he had this PERMANENT frown which made him look so sad n old.

his brothers were so enthusiastic to take balloons all jumping around n waiting in line.

and he kept scolding them, he kept frowning.

then i understood why,

later on, his dad came along n very harshly reprimanded them in front of everybody " i hate balloons, dont take, dont be stupid n all sorts of evil words came out"

the older boy pursed his lips even tighter n folded his hands. he was getting scolded for his brothers enthusiasm! and i tot, wow this family is complicated, why so liddat wan?

later that night i recalled the incident n i felt very sad because a good 18 years ago i was that little boy.

i was a very angry, disappointed n frustrated little child.

It was very clear to me that my father favoured my brothers so much more than he loved me.
the first time i got slapped was when my brother dropped his pacifier n started crying. i felt cheated, i felt  cut short of love n all the unfairness continued over the years. their fault n cries would be my burden, my fault my pain.
 sometimes in the night i dreamed that my brothers would die a horrible death n there will be no more rivalry. i treated them very cruely and there was SO MUCH TENSION in the house. all the yelling n fighting went on daily till i was 18!- ask the old neighbours they will testify to my dragon fire ways in the past.
(yes i was so bitter inside that time)

i hated my brothers, i hated my father. i couldn't understand the negativism he had and all the anger he portrayed against me i held in n lashed it out at everybody else. If u hated sch with rules n regulations try living with the head principal ur entire life. studies and everything under scrutiny n pressure to perform. stress nia.

until today i dare not say my relationship with my dad is the best but i feel alot happier when we dont live under the same roof.

he is a good father no doubt and i DO LOVE HIM ok but in many ways there is so much hurt and anger i dont know how to get rid of. how to explain? i dont know. u may not understand if u have a good rational understanding father but we are all not the same. (mary anne might probably understand it all since she watched me grow up and was constantly coming to the house).

i'm not complaining n bitching but i want those who keep pestering me to go home NOW n live with my family to STOP IT.

i am not a terrible daughter. i have a better relationship status with my dad now from afar. i visit every 2 months. we talk n fight as usual n nowadays i give in tolerate so much more than previously.

in fact this is our best times ever since i left house 5 years ago to study n work in penang. 

Distance actually works for our family. i think he is happier that way and so am i. 

If u know both of us well enough u would agree. so stop the judgments and stop the accusations of not being filial.

stupidest girl in the world

sometimes i think i'm the stupidest girl in the world full stop.

i know i promised never to speak of him again but i cannot tahan d!!

i have a guy (Buan) who loves me with all his heart n willing to give me anything n mind as well die to protect me but on the other hand i chose to hold on to the fragile silly crush of mine.

he (Mr.X) doesn't know how much i still care (OMG! why is it possible?!) 

it hurts me, how hard until TODAY i try to ERASE him from my mind. i try so the damn hard ok.

 i try not to talk to him, not to look at him but automatically i'm drawn to him like a magnet (and he is not like super handsome or super smart or rich) i must be stupid indeed.

i do so much n yet he never notices me or i think he loves someone else which pains me even more. 

i have prayed for months to God if its NOT for me take it away!! TAKE IT AWAY PLEASE ! far far away! why allow this sadist mad longing n insanity which obviously has no happy ending. 

I have prayed, cried, begged, gone on my knees prayed more n tried everything to keep my mind off. all fail. *tears*

its cny today and yesterday night (as ppl gambled n ate) i laid on my bed, i cried thinking how stupid i was ALL along. i cried at how stupid i was to be used, to deceive myself with hope, to allow myself to feel sad, to allow all this madness to control me! how i always fall for the wrong guy. how karma has hit me back in the face for hurting others in the past. 

all i want is to STOP having any feeling or memory or any shit haunting my soul n body. it has turned into a nightmarish torture where i cannot continue  loving others or opening my mind to other people. Its making me depressed. its not fair! I am 25 years old i should be able to control my emotions n decide what is good for me. yet?! this shouldnt be happening to me. i dont want to love him anymore why cant i press the STOP n ERASE button?

i fear the nights, i fear my own memories. i'm under the control of something i cannot understand. babisialbodoh aku.

Eat skittles puke rainbows!

Guess who's going home today!
the usual joy and hyperactiveness begins!! WOHOO!!! FREE FOOD!!

how am i going back? by walking all the way back to Seremban of course ;)
i check my bags in then i start walking in my big red clown shoes!
 to lose weight and for a greeener tomorrow! (now u CLAP HANDS for me lah!)

Goodbye to all the sad memories, past hurt, tears n depressing times (yuck thinking abt it makes me wanna puke)
I wish u well Mr.X but i wish i could forget to love u asap!
.i cannot put my life on pause for just 1 guy or mourn over 1 sad incident or 1 misunderstanding with a fren or 1 bad accident.

new year new resolutions. i'm aiming for higher things! no time for silly crushes n acting all childishly no more!


Bright n new exciting things are about to come
to move on and embrace CHANGE!
wannabe wholly independent n yet fully dependent on God n not seeking any human's approval or love or busy making everybody happy.


I do heart CNY cause it means tons of



-BAK KUA
-CRAPPY CNY SONGS
-MEETING UP WITH SUPER OLD CLASSMATES (admit it u guys are old!)
-LITTLE NOISY CHILDREN ALL RUNNING AROUND MY HOUSE for a week
-FREE FLOW OF FOOD N DRINKS
-NEW CLOTHING!! (shopping is now without guilt)
-SLEEP (yes big bed+aircon+happy heart is best combination to tido mati)

taken from doug's profile picca i find hillariously funny

-ANGPAO and sweet smell of money. hunting down all married couples! (yes aku memang mata duitan! $_$ comel kan?)

FORGET ALL THE SADNESS AND USHER IN ALL THE BLESSINGS N HAPPINESS!

LIFE IS LIKE A PACKET OF SKITTLES! RAINBOW COLOURED BURSTING WITH SUGARY GOODNESS!!  GO SILLY WILLY THIS CHINESE NEW YEAR! 

GONG XI FA CAI ANG PAO NA LAI;) from Creampuff + Sandy